M-sama~ Hate but like..=__=

Somehow I don’t understand myself..

Everytime I think bout M-sama I went like ‘ kyaa.. or… ah, stupid stupid namja.. why u make me like this.’ and eventually become stress. HAHAHAH. It was funny,, because in fact. he did NOTHING WRONG to me.=_=.. it’s my choice and fault for falling for him.lol..

He didn’t seduce me at all=_=.. In fact, I’m the one always disturb him..That.. make it looked so annoying.. ughh.. >__< like that sort of feeling. HAHAHAHA.

What he did to me..

1) He appeared in my dream like more than 3 times already!! which never happened before to any namja I fall in luv with before.=__=

2) Our progress….i meant, my own progress.. like seriously fast. LOL.. I like him like instantly.=_=..

3) I like him more everyday eventho we don’t communicate much.=_=..

4) I tell whole world about it.LOL!

5) I developed SS symptom, and my friends also trauma with me..=_=

6) I sat beside him TWICE in class, and superrr happy about it..!

Eventhough I tried to consult with friends about it, and most of them advice me, I shouldn’t think bout it too much.. Of courseee ..If only, if can, I want to stop liking him, or even think bout him..But I just can’t help it…T__T.. he appreared even inside my dreamssss.SOBs3!

Perhaps the best way to stop liking him is to fall for other man or kutip balik my kpop sons from jurang..t.t. Well, it’s not I haven’t do any of that. BUT! jUST THAT IT FAILED..!!

it always ended like..” I want M jugak!’ =__= *SOCHILDISH.

kpop is bad?

Sometimes, I wonder why we I feel so emotional and angry recently when people condemning kpop. Like just recently, they blamed kpop for everything not good, and many more moral and social issues being ascertained.. all just recently.. Then, I realised, nowadays more and more kpop artiste had entered Malaysia market.. Our government even sponsored not 1, but 2 or more groups to our country for a concert. 

I was thinking they might wanted to attract teenagers especially, for the event they held.. Because we all know the amount of audience, what matter the most for organiser to judge how ‘effective’ the event being held…. just don’t deny this norm fact..

I honestly not really a fond of western culture.. and I noticed most of my friends, who aren’t fond of English/ Western entertinment, all of us, eventually become fond of kpop.. i WONDER THE REASON WHY.. May be because of the quality of music.. and dance, or just the whole package of kpop..

 

Of course, we all realise, it’s the same, Be it western, Asia, the stream or in this contest, the level of negativeness almost similar.. those korean idols also bring lovey dovey song, which of course, helpless messeges to us.. or sexy dance.. which for Muslims.. something we shouldn’t troll over, or even looking at.. But as we can only see what we prefer, and eventually we become denial in distinguishing what is right what is wrong, and worse, drifting the bad, towards good, to suit our PERSONAL PREFERENCES.

 

I do not deny this fact.. Because it happened to me too..

In fact, I never regret not feel gladly thankful for being involve in kpop fandom..Of course, it engaged me to many crazy things, stupid things, sinful things in my life.. which i can say,mostly NEGATIVE bits..=_=

correct.. My heart feel like torn into pieces reading their posts,, about how girls(especialy) can be too obsessed with kpop, or how kpop bring bad influences.. To me, their posts aer too sarcastic, and really.. at some point, I feel like soo angry and emotional reading them..

Then, I ASKED MYSELF.. Why I feel this way..

“because the main actor/actress is YOU”

Correct.. I have no denial on what they said.. because as I said, as an ex-scholar, I still can distinguish if this thing is good, or not, just the matter of doing or not….

However, I dislike ‘cepat melatah’ habit.. I observed from my friends’ point of view.. and yeah.. typical Malaysian there for you..=__=.. mengamuk habis.. some of them even using filthy language, which, I as Muslim, feel so embarrassed to read their comments.

For me , those ‘Ustaz’ ‘Ustazah’ too, need some kind of effective way if they want to reprimand kpoppers MANIAC about it.. Research need to be done..For me, direct advice is better than being sarcastic. There, us Malaysian love this habit, I realised, and eventually hurting each other, and drift into another issue, EVENTUALLY.. AND LOOSING FOCUS..+_+..

I of course, not condemning anyone, just hoping to PURSUE people to be careful when talking, being more clever before saying anything.. We are dealing with fanatics.. and their mind level of course are different from all kind of range.. Understand the audience and talk effectively….

 

 

 

 

M-sama -1st meeting?~

I know it has been a while~ Honestly I only came to write something here.. cuz a fren told me she always did a diary.. i meant.. really a diary.. those childish post, what u do, what u eat, where u go.haha~.

My imotochan also told me previously she wrote a diary about this one otoko=_= (that apparently they already couple? now..) for like 4 years~ I was like ‘o’… How can a person be consistent on diary.. or.. don’t they afraid someone might sneakily read the diary..>_<~

So, I came across to write something similar here, in this my so called private story corner..(since my handwriting is so annoying to be read.. or I’m so paranoid if someone found and read my diary..=_=..but writing it here… aish.. put that aside.=_=)

If anyone against me of doing this, just walk away… I’m actually amusing u, w/o u realising. Oh well, I’ll only reveal what I meant by that towards the end.. or somewhere in between.=p

O.K!! I really want to write about my M-sama~.hik3.. So, this will be the start=_=//

Hmm.. at this age, I feel so childish.. But, just bear with me and enjoy my diary o.k!…if u happen to read..ANYWAY~~~~=__=

I went to this one school.. let call it Kameha school.. I met this one namja.. let call him M..Mr. M.>__<~.. Actually.. I didn’t plan to fall in luv with any namja at Kameha school.. oh, the school is bloody far from my home..Plus, i CAN’T GO BACK HOME.. it  has been 6 months..sob3.. #homesickmuch.

I think it started when he 1st gave us a ride to a bus station.. That.. was 1st time I talked to him.. ‘Are u same class w/ me?’ Cuz i honestly thought he’s like an invisible man in my class. =__=.HAHA~ Then, he looked at me, like directly into my eyes.=_=.. aigoo.. while driving (it was traffic jammed that time).. then, I keep asking him more question, and he also asked me back many question.. and tat moment I was confused.. Like.. so he can talk too..=_=.. I tot he’s mutE. HAHAHAHA.. the more I think about him, the less mysterious he gets, and the curious I get, and I eventually ..without realising, keep thinking about him..=_=.. until at one point.. I realise.. ‘I like him??’ oh nooooo~~~!..

So, the curiosity grew until this one critical moment where i REALLY NEED someone help to bring me to rocket station .(lmao, the nick.=_+).. ehem~. so, I was thinking of him.. the only namja that will help you, w/o asking many Qs, or even if he don’t know your name or exactly who u are.HAHAH~

So, after so much hindrance and courage, I even dream about it.=_=.. that how worry I AM TO ASK HIM FOR THE HELP.huhuhu.since I don’t talk much with him.soo….=__=.. huhuhu.. Until just a day before my rocket to seoul.=_=.. I called him from far..ha-ha.. so desperado.. as it was the only chance I had.huk3..

He said he’s not free cuz he got class until late evening…. then, I made a sad face..T_T. Then, I said, “it’s o.k thanks anyway”.=). Like appreaciating his consideration..I assumed?>_<~.

BUT~!

He suddenly added.. (while walking).. may be I can send u in the noon.>_<~ (during noon 2 hours break.)

i was like. ” really?? can??” (with smile+hoping eyes)

he added.. should be no problem..

then I added.. oh, but u have to perform jumaat prayer too.. and rocket station was like 45 minutes away.. plus traffic jam…

Although, I dun mind at all to arrive early there..As long as I will be at the rocket station… haha~ I said to him like that..

I think I also added, may be u can drop me at city centre, cuz I WAS THINKING to renew my license.. at least city centre is not as far as rocket station..

so we decided like that, and I asked his phone number to make our business easier. tara~~ we exchanged phone number. =D

The next day, oh my D-day~~~! Seoul I’m coming.. (like that kind of mood that ).. so, he sent me to hostel, and I picked up my stuff, and we droved off~~. ohhoh~

As I expected, traffic jammed.!! (yatta).. for some reason I feel so thankful..  felt like a driving date. HAHAHA~. syok sendiri.ehem =__=..

So we talked talked talked.. So many things we talked about and I’m lazy to write.. ahahah. also.. I noticed, sometimes, he love miming to song from the car’s dvd player? and tapped his fingers with the rhythms on the steering.. ahah~.. He sang to mostly eNGLIsh songs.. hihi~.also, sometimes, he sms-ing~ hmm.. until, at one point, he was too immersed with his hp and didn’t realise the car infront already moving.and i REMINded him for that.. and he said ‘sorry’ like spontaneously.=__=..

I think it was funny moment.kkk Why he needs to say sorry.hik3..

We stopover at masjid nearby, and I waited for him inside the car. While waiting, I just realised, how disaster my face looked like..=_=. I was all sweating, and my make up was in a disaster state. oh~~~=____=~~~~hahah!

After that, we continued our journey to city, and he asked me where I want to stop..I asked at post office of possible? He droved the car and stop like infront of the P.O door.=_=.. then, I picked my luggae.. and like ‘bye2-ing him’.. but then too my surprised.. eh lowered his car window.. and asked me..”I tot u want to go to rocket station?” i was like ‘ o’.. will we make it?? I’m afraid u’ll late for class at 2pm”.. it was obviously 30 minutes before 2pm.. and he haven’t lunch yet.. but he replied..”No worres. We’ll make it”.

But then.. I think I shouldn’t be selfish.. I really dislike to trouble him so much.. since I like him anyway~~. =__=”.

Plus, I dunno how much time will I need to finish my business at post office there, so i PUT EVERYTHING BACK inside his car.. and said.. let’s heading to rocket station instead” ahahah~.

I’ll renew my license later..

Honestly it was funny.. I can actually wait for my unni to fetch me at the post office since unni suggested me to do that way ANYWAY~. kekekeke~.

But I want to be with him longer( o.k I’m selfish.haha). So, we directly droved off to rocket station >_<…

Oh arrived, like finally!. and I was contemplated to give him a cough tablets.=_=.. cuz I noticed he keep coughing.. huhu.. But i was determined~! So I gave him the tablets.. and a blackcurrent drink.. cuz he keep asking me what’s that.. and I planned to give him ANYWAY..hihi.

He said thanks and smile (aih..cair.. *__*).haha. and he wants to say something, but that time I already close the door.=_=. so can’t hear.. and made like a gesture.” what s it” and he was like shook his head, and smile.. *__*~..

So, our 1st date (I assumed=_=) ended like that.~~=DDDD.

 

 

*************

 

1 month after that.. we have no progress.. Of course my feeling never change..I even liking him more as the day passed by..=_=. I was thinking what was the reason we grew apart.. I realised..

1) We don’t talk much.. why? because we rarely meet, our only 2 classes every week were often canceled.=_=..

2) I was too afraid if any ppl at Kameha school saw if I’m too close to him..oh, I hate gossip..T.T..

3) Eventually our distant grewww apart=_=.. and it just get worse everyday.huhu..

4) MAy be he just slow.. or I’m the one that being too reserve…hmmm.. Why he didn’t get my hint? T.T..

5) He is not interested, or pretend didn’t realise my feeling..T.T..

 

*****************

Last week, me and friend talked about seafood, and suddenly i feel like craving for seafood, and the 1st person that came to my mind was Mr M.=_=.. No, I dun treat him as my driver.. just that, he’s the 1st person that I can’t help to appear in mind.. So, my fren suggested I shud asked him to bring me to eat seafood. lmao.. craziest thing ever..=_=. whO is me for him to do that.. right… But until at one point I really craved for it, i TYPED ON MY PHONE  even using cheeky language.haha. and save to my draft..

and.. know what..

=_=..

 

My friend sent it on my behalf.I was like OMG… crazy.. And as I expected,, he dun reply. I know, he’s trauma w/ me.. hmmm may be just me, but I realised, over the past 2 weeks, he kinda avoiding me.. i meant, my eyes.. hmm~or may be just me…. =_=”

So, because I feel so incomplete for leaving a messge liek that, oh basically not me, but a fren did that, so I apologise to him, and of course, he didn’t reply.=__=..

That’s why the next day.. i declared..

“I HATE SEAFOOD” hahahaha!

 

And for some reason, I become a bit stressful, huhu.. and I always worried, if he was thinking I was like disturbing him.sobs3.. So I started to stay away from him… ing.. it was so painful to do that.T__T..

Also, at the same time..I sorta hold a grudge? against him.. like always saying..

‘untungla org tu ada kreta, rumah dekat, xnak pon ajak org makan seafood..’ ahah something like that, everytime I saw car similar to him passed by.=_=..

my friend said I’m saiko. HAHAH~. =_=.

 

THEN, I realised.. I actually jealous of him.. cuz he can be nearby w/ his family everyday.. he has car  and can move here there, and eat whatever he wants(i think he’s kinda rich?).I dunno.. i jst assuming..since he went to private college before..

but then, I was thinking again.. Why he’s so distracting.why I keep thinking about him.. Why i care bout him.. hmm..

these complicated feeling somehow is tiring.. at some point, I lost my way on ways to continue liking him or at least make him realising my feeling.. huhu.. and we don’t talk much too.. But yeah.. saying is easier than done..T.T…

But I have no regret, of falling for him…. when was the last time  like someone.. 3 years ago..=_=.. honestly ..~ hahah~

hmmmmmmmm.. I WISH TOMORROW WOULD BE A BETTER DAY.~

 

Will my feeling reaching you…..

 

 

NB: namja=man, unni=older sister, imotochan= younger sister

 

 

I feel something..

I’m scared…Suddenly I feel scare with my life..Like why I’m still like this..Why I haven’t start my class yet..Why I behave like a loser..

Why I do nothing over the past 7 months..I only eat eat eat eat sleep play computer, and sleep.. That~ Only that..I don’t know why I don’t bother to look out for part time job/studying opportunity.. Honestly.. I’m tired of thinking..I did many research before, but i TRIED FINDING OUT SOLUTIONS..But it’s just hard..Everything seems difficult..To work, I care about salary, and what kind of job that can benefit me, as well as transportation and time wised..I dislike being in fussy situation..about study, when I found good college I cared about the tuition fee,location,time frame.. and courses..at the end, I’m tired.. Really…Also, w/ my personality like this.. I can’t say my feelings properly to CLOSE people around me…”may be because of my pride “…As the result.I become like this..

I honestly wants to complain..A lot.. on twitter, or facebook.but it makes me look like a loser.I should complain to Him right.. The only God.. Allah ya Rabbi. Therefore, here, I write all my feelings, because at the end, I just love to WRITE my feelings SOMEWHERE..

Anyhow,I just hope soon..yes, soon! My future will be brighter,and I have more energy physically and mentally to move forward, and aim for the best..I said many times on twitter/facebook or blog.. I’ll appreaciate my present,but I didn’t keep my word properly. I hate myself. Sometimes, to cheer me up a bit, I tend to love people around me more.I tried to cheer them on..Seeing their smiles, make me feel good..It’s my happiness.i LOVE TO SAY this many2 times before.”Others happiness are my happiness”.. But recently I complaint a lot.. Really…

Besides, I have too many hatred..I do not know why..I hope I can remove this ugly feelings from me..Really..I don’t want to hate people,because it stressed me out..Really.. It makes me even more stressful and draw many enemies.. For some reason.I want a new home.. I want a new company..New world… simply say..To be reborn…. REALLY.

I forgot the stressful feeling like this during 2 years back.Really.i’ VERY CHEERFUL..Even at a very hard time,i SMILED a lot, and very strong too.But started 2 years back, everything in my life seems wrong.. I hate this.really.

 

 

 

 

Idol’s privacy invasion..

“I do not know I do not know I seriously do not know”.. So here is the story..

I like this one idol. I do not know If you want to call me stalker or  what.. What stalker actually means??If I found something not really by an effort online..

O.K confuse? I was talking about Idol’s Facebook profile.

Let me say this..

If you are a fan(especially SUPERfan)…you obviously very interested in anything related to your idol/person you admire! The feeling!It can’t be blamed right! I meant, it’s just hard no matter how hard you try. May be some people are very cool, and can resist their hand to not click on ‘ADD’ button, HOWEVER, most people may be 90% AREN’T !.They’ll just want to try their luck ..Isn’t it..

Obviously! And that little thing’ search’ box on Facebook is amazing as it is, you can find any person you want to meet JUST BY CLICKING HISHER NAME and there’s 99% chance you’ll discover their profile..

“Unless they use a super-fancy NICKNAME” which most idol/people don’t.. Because they use facebook to keep in contact with their CLOSE ACQUAINTANCE.. Obviously most people will use REAL FULL NAME.

Now let’s start MY STORY.. So, I found his profile.Let’s named him Mr. K. I was bored, and curious about this one company K is in.Like who is the fan.Actually I want to scroll down few names that added the company because I want to find if any of those fans I know, so I would like to add them,because it was awesome to spazz and share your interest together right??

Then, I found K’s mem bergroup’s profile through the friendlist of the company.Let’s name the company as Alpha. and that bandmate of K as L(I like L too..).. So here where it starts….. I thought.. wow! Why I haven’t thought about this kind of thing before???

So, from L’s friendlist, I found another familiar name. and from there, I scroll thru that new person friendlist..jeng3.. found few names.. and Mr. K is there as well!!..Do u understand how excited I was??? BECAUSE Korean don’t use facebook MUCH.. Ok stop here. Another thing that surprised me not K or L or M(another member I found) even bother to limit privacy of their profile to public as much as they can!! I can read their wall post.. and people who talk on the wall too.. and there..!

I found K’s mom’s!! Oooo.. I followed his mum on twt previously and we talked a bit….So I had this cheap thought like ‘oh, I think it’s o.k to add his mum right??’ I even hesitated like 1 day or so whether to add or not.. Only to realised.. I already click ‘Add friend’..

But obviously I don’t hope much! She can ignore my request.“Unless u tell me she don’t know how to do it or found that ‘blue’ button is better to be clicked than the other one…”

True! She accepted my friend req.. I do not know what to feel. Of course happy..But I don’t even dare to bring myself to talk to her cause I thought it’s good not to cross the borderline..But I had a thought like.”hey, we can be friend too”..Like.. friend~~ cyber friend. “But it’s just hard when it’s clear shown everything on me how hardcore I am with her son/group..”

Backward a bit. I forgot to tell you guys that I saw some pictures update from K (cause he MADE SOME OF HIS POST PUBLIC).. So I keep those photos myself. Then, I tweeted him jokingly.” K! I’ve seen your photos. u look so pretty”..

Not long from that.. he tweeted some photos.. but not all as I saw from his fb profile…So, yey me..However, not long from that..something ‘big’ happened… I think it was the next day after his mum approved me..

K’s profile disappeared from FB.. same goes to M’s.. “obviously they’re telling each other about me adding K’s mom?!!”

Obviously they’re scared of me.. O.k I’m not stupid. I know a lot about them.Who are their fans.hardcore fans. so-so fans. etc.. I know everything quite well.

HOWEVER, I’m proud of myself.. even I know their FB, I didn’t add any of them! really. I just look.Even just by that,I’m satisfied.

I only add his mum for the sake of ‘We’ve talked before/She doesn’t look too alien to me’…

I’m glas L’s profile was still there. I don’t know.But I’m hurt because it was obviously they looked me as a ‘threat’ to their privacy life.. Isn’t it..Now, I have this guilt inside me and I keep thinking is I should remove his mother from my friend list or what..

“BUT I JUST CAN’T”.. Because it’s like. when I grow up, it can be my memory right.. Also, it might be good in case of emergency..Who knows I need his mum’s help on something… I KNOW I SHOULDN’T THINK TOO MUCH. Also, isn’t it’s good to have a lot of acquaintance .. I do not know anymore..T_T.. I really don’t want to loose any friend..

But I just cant help myself but keep thinking…. “helpless much”.. I hope the action he took by deactivating/deleting his fb is just ..Follwed by M..Was just acoincidence with everything I wrote above.Like may be they just don’t feel good to have fb, and not  because of me” tooooo obvious to be called COINCIDENCE”. It was so obvious like I’m the one LEADING to their deletion act.. I really would like to cease this assumption.It’s hurting my head, heart… I dislike being annoyance to anybody.Really. Especially to people I like..

My heart.My mind.My soul.My feeling.Are you really fragile like this?? “sigh”

“so this is called INDIRECT privacy invasion “..huh.

It was MERELY by CHANCE ! “As If anyone want to believe my words”

-Kerri-

Tags: feeling, life

Un-follow fandoms.

I’m tired being famous. I’m not as famous as those idols (of course!), but it bothers me where I can’t tell my own story..I want to write anything I want..But I’m afraid if people start judging me not quite positively..

“stay alone forever then”

I’ve yet to cure this disease.. I have yet to be MORE OPEN about my feelings.Sometimes,it’s frustrating.. because I don’t even know which one is me..

Stop there. The story I want to write today was about me un-followed few idols. I have a series of painful story with those  ’people’..

They know me well. Of course.. I’m the President.I realised, everytime I tweet them they tend to avoid my tweets. I can sense they are kind of scared of me. I’m sorry if I did scaring anybody… Honestly I think I’m not scary at all.. HOWEVER, most people disagree with my self-thought.

Now, I reflect back things that happened before..

I am actually a scary person…Only that I myself clueless about it.. 

Back to the story.. I can’t blame them I know.. It’s not their fault at all for bearing ‘disbandment’ situation. My ultimate bias unofficially’ being kicked out from the group. How could I not feel anything.. I’m not a stone. “Although I’m practicing myself to be one =p”. *sigh*.. I wish them all success. I feel bad though for doing things half-hearted.. But I can’t be blamed too .. This is called LIFE.. *evil me*.. Then, you blame their boss, for taking every situation easy like that w/o properly considering these kids feeling.. They’re still young, yet you gave them a scar.. “Selfish adult”

 

Tags: life

I say Teen you say Top ;p

I was wandering at twitter  when I realised.. I haven’t post anything here.

I was so eager to create this WP,but even at the start loosing interest to write.

~ “life, u’re hating me, right”

Anyway, forcing my fingers to run over the mackey, the words eventually came out =p

I came accross this one random topic tot alk about.It’s about TEENTOP’s comeback. I honestly not a real fan*ehem,headercoughheader*.. I can’t even answer the quizzes provided by this on TEENTOP’s fanbase. Not even one. “fail fan”.

Put that aside, heard from a friend they’ll comeback somewhere around this week. I watched both drama and dance teaser.

“all hail Cheonji” =p… *ignore my header*..

HOT isn’t it.. Good luck teen top!

—————

Between!! I just found another interesting topic to talk about. “yerr,you random”

Do you know Fatimah? She’s top Malaysia student SPM back in 2006. She’s now studying in Nottingham,UK in medical course.

Previously there was a big fuss about few best students back in 2004/2005.. About how those girls kind of loosing their path..

O.k stop here.

If you do well, people look at you. Otherwose, they’ll throw you away.. Very little stay in the middle.

-Kerri-

Tags: life, Teen Top